"Wives, you know your husband works hard for you. He gets up early, goes to a job he doesn’t always like, works under difficult circumstances in order to get money to provide for you. He deserves your respect. He is entitled to your compliments and encouragement. Now, what do you think?"

I sometimes talk to married couples that are having troubles. I have made a statement similar to the opening paragraph to begin the discussion. After I praise the husband I await the wife’s response. The reaction of the wife gives a clue as to why the couple is having difficulties.

"I work hard too" is the most frequent response I anticipate. This reaction indicates that the wife feels that she is being neglected, and maybe she is. The virtuous woman in Proverbs 31 was praised by her husband and her children. I have often asked if the woman was praised because she was virtuous, or was she virtuous because she was praised. This woman may have continued in her goodness because it was appreciated by those she valued. Many wives are not appreciated for what they do, but this response may indicate something else also.

This reaction may also indicate that the woman is self centered. She expects the husband to provide for her whether she appreciates him or not. She married him so he could make her happy and serve her wants. Perhaps she does little or nothing in the home. Her claim to working hard is merely a knee jerk reaction to justify herself. The woman married with many dreams that have not been fulfilled. She now feels she is a martyr. Any instructions given to her to improve the marriage will be met with resistance.

"He doesn’t work that hard" runs a close second in the responses I expect. This may indicate a low appraisal of the husband. The wife may not be self centered, but her husband is viewed as a loser. He does not work that hard. His job is easy. It has to be. He does not have the ability to do anything hard. She may see him as lazy, stupid, or simply incompetent. I Peter 3:1-6 tells us that a woman is to have respect for her husband and to be in submission to him. This response almost always shows that the woman does not prize her husband and his abilities to lead.

The husband may be deserving of such an appraisal. Some men will not hold down a job. They are forever in and out of work. The wife needs an income to survive. Other men have been sheepishly following their wives commands. They never make decisions or contradict their wife's orders. It is odd how a weak man will be desired by a selfish woman before marriage, and resented by her after a few years together. All woman want someone they can respect. All men need to be loving leaders in the home (Eph. 5:22-33).

"I never considered his sacrifice before" is a very desirable response. It indicates that the wife is starting to think about her husband’s contribution to the marriage. Such thoughts tend to rekindle the love that has grown cold.

The problem may be simply one of communication. She did not know what he did for her. Maybe he did not talk after work. Perhaps their schedules limited the amount of time they had to exchange thoughts. Although this seems like an easy problem to fix compared to the others discussed, I have found very few couples who would make the needed repairs. The husband remains a clam. The wife won’t sacrifice anything on her schedule. The couple won’t seek activities that they can share in together. The lack of communication increases and the wife’s response soon becomes one of those above.

"I know he works hard. I appreciate it, and I tell him so" is the rarest response. Such statements (if true) would be a part of the make up of the couple who did not have any problems. (Remember, the couples I am talking about are those who are having difficulties in the home.) Of course if I did get this response from the wife, and her husband agreed that it was accurate, then the problem is likely the husband’s.

Some men work very hard at the job and feel they have completed their assignment by doing so. They think the wife is supposed to raise the kids, teach the spiritual lessons, manage all the affairs within the home, and keep the romance alive. They feel providing the home with money is all that they are responsible for. They are wrong and need to get involved in the home.

Most problems a couple faces can be traced to her failure to submit, or his failure to love (Col. 3:16-19). The success of the home depends on both partners respecting God’s instructions. Respect, time, love, forgiveness, communication, and appreciation are all crucial parts of a successful marriage. Are you working on yours?